Aries
(March 21 - April 19)

Don't worry about
What you can't control, like the
Falling hand of doom

Taurus
(April 20 - May 20)

Improvements in your
Financial position will
Improve your sex life

Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)

Enjoy a quiet
Evening at home after you
Kill the neighbour's dog

Cancer
(June 21 - July 22)

While on a calm stroll
Down Memory Lane, you'll be
Attacked by zombies

Leo
(July 23 - Aug. 22)

Invite family
Over for dinner - yeah, that's
Real good advice, stars!

Virgo
(Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

The moon, when combined
With the water element,
Means nothing at all

Libra
(Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

Today's a good day
To donate your still-living
Body to science

Scorpio
(Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Your punctuation
Is so bad, it will cause your
Death-as-example

Sagittarius
(Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

After much work and
Sacrifice, you will shoot beams
Of light from your eyes

Capricorn
(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

It's great some of the
Dinosaurs didn't die, but
Stop voting for them

Aquarius
(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)

Keep a positive
Attitude this week, despite
The giant spiders

Pisces
(Feb. 19 - March 20)

Enjoy the warlord's
Advances - think 'flattering'
And not 'frightening'